Me and My One and Only!

Me and My One and Only!
My Best Friend!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"Forever Faithful!!!"

first class to learn all about the process we were about to face. It took two hours and MAN was that a LONG LONG 2 hours! They gave us so much information, and I left there kind of overwhelmed. They reviewed all the different procedures they will want us to go through, before we can even sit down with the specialist.

I really wanted to see how my hubby was feeling about all this and his thoughts. Well I think we were all just drained and tired emotionally. He didn’t have much to say.

Come to find out he started to have some strong emotions about us having such difficulty conceiving. Some of the things he said hurt me. I know what he said wasn’t meant to hurt me but it did. I started to realize that through all this we were both having such strong emotions, and maybe we wouldn’t understand or knew how to express our feelings to each other. So I decided we should go see a counselor. I believed that these emotions were normal and it was okay to have them, but we needed a safe place to really get them out. We really did not know how to express these feelings to each other! And when we did it ALWAYS came out wrong. We really needed someone to tell us these feelings were ok, and THIS is the correct way to handle them and then we could move forward.

Luckily I have an amazing husband that would do anything for his marriage! He was completely willing to go and be honest, and learn what we needed to do to move forward. I think he is amazing because I know a lot of men that wouldn’t dare to go see a counselor.

We made our first appointment for the list of procedures! I had to have blood work done and a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). This procedure is a piece of cake for some and others have to be on 1000 ml. of Ibuprophin to deal with the pain. Of course I KNEW where I would be. I was so nervous about this procedure!! I have never had ANY type of procedure done before! I couldn’t find anyone to go with me, so my mom moved her schedule around to take me.

Through all my anxiousness about this procedure I had some great support. People really were there for me and it meant so much. I think my emotions about this procedure were not only scary because I don’t handle pain well, but I knew this was just the next step in finding out what is going on in my body. So the night before I was a basket case! My spiritual mom was there for me and able to pray with me and we agreed that everything would be ok, because He (God) was in control and there with me! The day came for my procedure and I got there with a bundle of nerves! I kept telling the doctors to be nice and that I was extremely nervous! For me the procedure was very painful and not fun. I actually got really sick after it was all done. They did tell me that they found one of my Fallopian Tubes where blocked and were able to work on it and get it to reopen!!

Leaving there I felt like I was finally making progress with my situation! By them finding the problem with my tube...well it just made it so worthwhile. Like I said before, I am willing to go through all this because I need to know what is going on with me. I need to know which direction we need to go next, because for so long we felt like we were in the dark. Now I was given the opportunity to find out what is going on and what a blessing for us, no matter the results!

I am going to go through ALL this with my hands raised high to the sky worshiping my God in Spirit and in Truth!! The AMAZING part is that I know I have some AMAZING people in my life that when I feel like I can’t raise them up anymore they come along side of me and hold them up for me! I heard someone say that “When you see it the least out there, God is working the most where you can’t see it!” This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face in my life. I have to say not only is it the HARDEST but it is also the MOST rewarding! I am able to truly see Gods handy work in this! And how faithful he is in EVERYTHING!

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"Holding on 4 the ride!"

Coming Home to tell my hubby the news made me nervous! I knew the last few months his emotions of wanting to start a family had been very high! There were even comments he made, that adoption was great to think about but he just wanted his OWN baby! The emotions I started to see in my hubby were the same emotions I was feeling after I miscarried. Nothing would satisfy me other then having my OWN baby, something we both created, our own offspring.

The last year or so I have truly been at peace of where my life was. After losing the weight I j finally started to feel good about myself again! I still wanted a baby and it was on my mind, but I felt like I grieved for 2 years after I miscarried! Those 2 years were so hard on me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. So this past year I made a choice to just stop worrying about it! And just TRULY leave my hopes and dreams of having a family in God's hands! So I didn’t show a whole lot of emotion about getting pregnant! My husband thought that I didn’t care anymore or even wanted to get pregnant. This was not the case at all. I just felt I had to get to a place in my life where I was ok wherever I was, with or without a baby! I knew it would have made me crazy to stay on that emotional roller coaster. Every time I missed a period my hubby would get happy and make me take a pregnancy test even though I KNEW I wasn’t Prego! And of course I would, dread taking it because I knew it would be negative, and I would hate to tell him that! I knew he would get his hopes up and it would just upset him.

I noticed my emotions of not being able to conceive were changing. I was not only sad for myself but I wasn’t able to give the one man in my life that I love dearly the GREATEST Gift of ALL! I started to talk to my spiritual mom about this. I knew I didn’t want to get back onto that roller coaster ride of emotions! So I knew she would be able to help me! She shared with me that if it came down to where I could not conceive a baby, it wouldn’t make me less of a wife! Or a Women! And she reminded me that I didn’t just get married to have babies! I got married because I LOVED him and wanted to be with him! She also reminded me that Gods plan is so much better then ours! If the doctor tells me I could not conceive or be able to carry to full term that GOD has the final say, not the doctors.

I got the courage to tell my hubby what the doctor said and it was a bitter sweet conversation! He was upset and sad! But then also we both agreed that by seeing a specialist I would be able to truly find out what is going on with me!! I told him the process we will have to go through! We would have to go to a class in Sacramento for a couple of hours where they would go over ALL the procedures they want me to go through and even the tests they will do on him! Then after those are done we will be able to sit down with the specialist and they will then go over all the results and determine what the next step should be for us!

During this time the Lord reminded me of a song and a scene from the movie “Facing the Giants” Where Brooke (the Wife) walked out of the Doctors office after they told her she wasn’t pregnant(so she thought). She got to her car in tears and looked up to the Lord and said “ I WILL still love you!! I will STILL love you!” A song start to play called "Completely" by Ana Laura.

The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do, in all that I say
Right here in this moment

The power of prayer
Is in the humble cry
The power of change
Is in giving my life
And laying down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment

Take my heart, take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all that is within lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone, completely

This journey of life, is a search for truth
This journey of faith, is following you
Every step of the way, through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment
I am yours and yours alone, completely

I am Standing on that Song! And I WILL STILL love the Lord No matter the out come of these tests! I know that he is there with me every step of the way! And I am His Completely! Through all the joy and even ALL the pain!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Learning to Dance in my Storm!

As you can imagine I had so many emotions going on! Luckily I had some great people in my life that were able to really be there for me and hear me when I was angry and frustrated and asking the questions of “Why Me”. The main thing that was going on in my head was “Wow, my husband and I did the right thing, we waited for marriage, we both had good jobs, and lived in our own place, we were active in our church!” Just every bit of the puzzle was put together and the ONLY thing missing was our lil baby!
My feeling towards God wasn't anger, but I felt I was just hurt! I never shook my fist at God, I could never do that! NO matter how much pain I was in, I knew deep down inside God didn’t do this to hurt me or punish me! I was STILL a child of His and He wanted nothing more then to see me happy! But that didn’t mean my life was going to be perfect.

There were days I woke up ok and happy and smiling and singing! But then there were also those days where I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were days that I couldn’t see a mommy or a baby and just start to cry! At times I could just be sitting on the couch and start crying. It was one of the hardest emotional roller coasters I have ever been on! Because I felt that my faith in the Lord should just take ALL this pain away. Everything I have learned over the years about my heavenly Father should have made this trial easier to go through. But my flesh would step in and so many days I couldn’t see past my pain and truly felt like something was missing! I mean I know I was only 12 weeks along but after seeing those little arms and legs, that little one became a part of me immediately!
My mentors and closest friends and family truly became my Rock! They just kept reminding me of who I was in Christ and that this pain I was feeling was real but that God has a bigger plan! And to Stand Strong on His word!

With time we realized that my body did not regulate after the miscarriage and I started to miss periods several months at a time. Every time my period was late I took a home pregnancy test. I knew that I must be pregnant, so I began to rationalize the negative results. I told myself the tests were wrong. Unfortunately every time I went to get a blood test, the results were always negative.

I don't know what the cause was, but every time I thought I was pregnant I began to gain weight. I wanted to be pregnant so badly so I think my body responded to my want! At one point I didn’t have my period for 6 months and I got very frustrated with my body. My doctors started to throw around ideas that I wasn't conceiving because I was overweight, too stressed out, or my hormones were off. They did blood work and kept telling me everything was normal. I thought to myself I need to just suck it up and realize that I have gained a lot of weight through all this!! I joined this program called the Ultimate Body Makeover created by one of my mentors. I lost 10-15 pounds and nothing really changed with my body when it came to regulating. I went back to the doctor about a month later and she said it wasn’t enough of a weight loss and I just need to stop stressing! It will just happen. Well I continued losing weight I ended up losing 36 pounds in 90 days! At this point, it didn't matter if the weight loss regulated my cycle or not. I just started to feel better about myself and I needed to do this for me. I was so tired of going ito see this doctor with no results. I switched doctors and finally found a doctor that was willing to look into it deeper! And this doctor came to the conclusion that I had P.C.O.S. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I felt so relieved that I finally had some direction of what was going on in my body! I went home and I researched it and found out it was very common but it was not curable. The doctor put me on 3 different types of meds to help regulate me and get me to ovulate! I had great hopes that this was going to work for me!! My body started to feel normal again but still no pregnancy! I went back in for a regular check up and the doctor told me some sad news, that the meds they gave me were not working. The next step was a fertility specialist. All that was going through my head was “wow, just another bump in my journey” But through ALL this I have decided that no matter what, I am going to TRUST God and hold on to His Promises! I am in the BEST hands. My heavenly Father's Hands!