As you can imagine I had so many emotions going on! Luckily I had some great people in my life that were able to really be there for me and hear me when I was angry and frustrated and asking the questions of “Why Me”. The main thing that was going on in my head was “Wow, my husband and I did the right thing, we waited for marriage, we both had good jobs, and lived in our own place, we were active in our church!” Just every bit of the puzzle was put together and the ONLY thing missing was our lil baby!
My feeling towards God wasn't anger, but I felt I was just hurt! I never shook my fist at God, I could never do that! NO matter how much pain I was in, I knew deep down inside God didn’t do this to hurt me or punish me! I was STILL a child of His and He wanted nothing more then to see me happy! But that didn’t mean my life was going to be perfect.
There were days I woke up ok and happy and smiling and singing! But then there were also those days where I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were days that I couldn’t see a mommy or a baby and just start to cry! At times I could just be sitting on the couch and start crying. It was one of the hardest emotional roller coasters I have ever been on! Because I felt that my faith in the Lord should just take ALL this pain away. Everything I have learned over the years about my heavenly Father should have made this trial easier to go through. But my flesh would step in and so many days I couldn’t see past my pain and truly felt like something was missing! I mean I know I was only 12 weeks along but after seeing those little arms and legs, that little one became a part of me immediately!
My mentors and closest friends and family truly became my Rock! They just kept reminding me of who I was in Christ and that this pain I was feeling was real but that God has a bigger plan! And to Stand Strong on His word!
With time we realized that my body did not regulate after the miscarriage and I started to miss periods several months at a time. Every time my period was late I took a home pregnancy test. I knew that I must be pregnant, so I began to rationalize the negative results. I told myself the tests were wrong. Unfortunately every time I went to get a blood test, the results were always negative.
I don't know what the cause was, but every time I thought I was pregnant I began to gain weight. I wanted to be pregnant so badly so I think my body responded to my want! At one point I didn’t have my period for 6 months and I got very frustrated with my body. My doctors started to throw around ideas that I wasn't conceiving because I was overweight, too stressed out, or my hormones were off. They did blood work and kept telling me everything was normal. I thought to myself I need to just suck it up and realize that I have gained a lot of weight through all this!! I joined this program called the Ultimate Body Makeover created by one of my mentors. I lost 10-15 pounds and nothing really changed with my body when it came to regulating. I went back to the doctor about a month later and she said it wasn’t enough of a weight loss and I just need to stop stressing! It will just happen. Well I continued losing weight I ended up losing 36 pounds in 90 days! At this point, it didn't matter if the weight loss regulated my cycle or not. I just started to feel better about myself and I needed to do this for me. I was so tired of going ito see this doctor with no results. I switched doctors and finally found a doctor that was willing to look into it deeper! And this doctor came to the conclusion that I had P.C.O.S. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I felt so relieved that I finally had some direction of what was going on in my body! I went home and I researched it and found out it was very common but it was not curable. The doctor put me on 3 different types of meds to help regulate me and get me to ovulate! I had great hopes that this was going to work for me!! My body started to feel normal again but still no pregnancy! I went back in for a regular check up and the doctor told me some sad news, that the meds they gave me were not working. The next step was a fertility specialist. All that was going through my head was “wow, just another bump in my journey” But through ALL this I have decided that no matter what, I am going to TRUST God and hold on to His Promises! I am in the BEST hands. My heavenly Father's Hands!
My feeling towards God wasn't anger, but I felt I was just hurt! I never shook my fist at God, I could never do that! NO matter how much pain I was in, I knew deep down inside God didn’t do this to hurt me or punish me! I was STILL a child of His and He wanted nothing more then to see me happy! But that didn’t mean my life was going to be perfect.
There were days I woke up ok and happy and smiling and singing! But then there were also those days where I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were days that I couldn’t see a mommy or a baby and just start to cry! At times I could just be sitting on the couch and start crying. It was one of the hardest emotional roller coasters I have ever been on! Because I felt that my faith in the Lord should just take ALL this pain away. Everything I have learned over the years about my heavenly Father should have made this trial easier to go through. But my flesh would step in and so many days I couldn’t see past my pain and truly felt like something was missing! I mean I know I was only 12 weeks along but after seeing those little arms and legs, that little one became a part of me immediately!
My mentors and closest friends and family truly became my Rock! They just kept reminding me of who I was in Christ and that this pain I was feeling was real but that God has a bigger plan! And to Stand Strong on His word!
With time we realized that my body did not regulate after the miscarriage and I started to miss periods several months at a time. Every time my period was late I took a home pregnancy test. I knew that I must be pregnant, so I began to rationalize the negative results. I told myself the tests were wrong. Unfortunately every time I went to get a blood test, the results were always negative.
I don't know what the cause was, but every time I thought I was pregnant I began to gain weight. I wanted to be pregnant so badly so I think my body responded to my want! At one point I didn’t have my period for 6 months and I got very frustrated with my body. My doctors started to throw around ideas that I wasn't conceiving because I was overweight, too stressed out, or my hormones were off. They did blood work and kept telling me everything was normal. I thought to myself I need to just suck it up and realize that I have gained a lot of weight through all this!! I joined this program called the Ultimate Body Makeover created by one of my mentors. I lost 10-15 pounds and nothing really changed with my body when it came to regulating. I went back to the doctor about a month later and she said it wasn’t enough of a weight loss and I just need to stop stressing! It will just happen. Well I continued losing weight I ended up losing 36 pounds in 90 days! At this point, it didn't matter if the weight loss regulated my cycle or not. I just started to feel better about myself and I needed to do this for me. I was so tired of going ito see this doctor with no results. I switched doctors and finally found a doctor that was willing to look into it deeper! And this doctor came to the conclusion that I had P.C.O.S. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I felt so relieved that I finally had some direction of what was going on in my body! I went home and I researched it and found out it was very common but it was not curable. The doctor put me on 3 different types of meds to help regulate me and get me to ovulate! I had great hopes that this was going to work for me!! My body started to feel normal again but still no pregnancy! I went back in for a regular check up and the doctor told me some sad news, that the meds they gave me were not working. The next step was a fertility specialist. All that was going through my head was “wow, just another bump in my journey” But through ALL this I have decided that no matter what, I am going to TRUST God and hold on to His Promises! I am in the BEST hands. My heavenly Father's Hands!
Ang, Thank you so much for being honest about what you guys have gone through and admitted that some days were really rough. Sometimes as christians we don't feel free enough to share when we struggling but you are such a real and authentic person! I appreciate you being willing to open up and help encourage others with your journey! I look forward to your future blogs :)
ReplyDeleteI also have PCOS, and was diagnosed when I was 18 and not even thinking about getting pregnant! I had so many of the symptoms that they sent me to have an ultrasound and that confirmed it. My doctor then told me that I would never EVER get pregnant and carry a child; what a devastating thing to hear at 18! My husband and I have been discussing having kids and honestly I'm terrified to try. Thanks for the encouragement and bravery that you're showing in sharing your story! God is in control, and He loves us more than we could ever comprehend. Thank you for reminding us all of the wonderful God that we serve!
ReplyDeleteI also have PCOS, ...I could have WRITTEN your story, ours is so similar. We've tried Prometriem (Progesterone) but that didn't work. We've been "forwarded" to a fertility clinic as well. Instead though...We needed a mental break from the overwhelming ...all consuming ...efforts we put into TTC. So we are doing the natural route right now. We've put it on hold, and I'm going back for a Psychology degree. I'm one of the oldest in all my classes, but man...I'm really happy. Don't get me wrong. I still struggle---daily---with wanting a family. But I know God has plans for us to prosper not to harm us. Jer. 29:11. :) Naturally, in 5 weeks I've lost 15 of the 30 pounds I gained in the 2 years we've been TTC with PCOS. When I graduate, in another 18 months or so, we'll pray about going full force into adoption, OR full force into fertility treatments. I'm so excited you're sharing your story. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN or LESS OF A WIFE. You are beautiful and beautifully and wonderfully made in God's image. :)praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Angie for sharing your story. I will pray for you and DAniel that one day you will hold your little angel.
ReplyDeleteI just want to tell you I am praying for you. If I could write like you I'd post a blog. God is there with you guys.
ReplyDeleteahh bless your heart love..I remember when I was first diagnosed with PCOS...it was a long journey but really showed me how amazing the Lord is...Dont ever stop trying to TTC but also remember to never stop giving it all to God..I remember hearing the words that it would never happen and well heare we are now! Faith, contentment and growing closer in our relationship is what we learned. Praying for you!
ReplyDelete