Coming Home to tell my hubby the news made me nervous! I knew the last few months his emotions of wanting to start a family had been very high! There were even comments he made, that adoption was great to think about but he just wanted his OWN baby! The emotions I started to see in my hubby were the same emotions I was feeling after I miscarried. Nothing would satisfy me other then having my OWN baby, something we both created, our own offspring.
The last year or so I have truly been at peace of where my life was. After losing the weight I j finally started to feel good about myself again! I still wanted a baby and it was on my mind, but I felt like I grieved for 2 years after I miscarried! Those 2 years were so hard on me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. So this past year I made a choice to just stop worrying about it! And just TRULY leave my hopes and dreams of having a family in God's hands! So I didn’t show a whole lot of emotion about getting pregnant! My husband thought that I didn’t care anymore or even wanted to get pregnant. This was not the case at all. I just felt I had to get to a place in my life where I was ok wherever I was, with or without a baby! I knew it would have made me crazy to stay on that emotional roller coaster. Every time I missed a period my hubby would get happy and make me take a pregnancy test even though I KNEW I wasn’t Prego! And of course I would, dread taking it because I knew it would be negative, and I would hate to tell him that! I knew he would get his hopes up and it would just upset him.
I noticed my emotions of not being able to conceive were changing. I was not only sad for myself but I wasn’t able to give the one man in my life that I love dearly the GREATEST Gift of ALL! I started to talk to my spiritual mom about this. I knew I didn’t want to get back onto that roller coaster ride of emotions! So I knew she would be able to help me! She shared with me that if it came down to where I could not conceive a baby, it wouldn’t make me less of a wife! Or a Women! And she reminded me that I didn’t just get married to have babies! I got married because I LOVED him and wanted to be with him! She also reminded me that Gods plan is so much better then ours! If the doctor tells me I could not conceive or be able to carry to full term that GOD has the final say, not the doctors.
I got the courage to tell my hubby what the doctor said and it was a bitter sweet conversation! He was upset and sad! But then also we both agreed that by seeing a specialist I would be able to truly find out what is going on with me!! I told him the process we will have to go through! We would have to go to a class in Sacramento for a couple of hours where they would go over ALL the procedures they want me to go through and even the tests they will do on him! Then after those are done we will be able to sit down with the specialist and they will then go over all the results and determine what the next step should be for us!
During this time the Lord reminded me of a song and a scene from the movie “Facing the Giants” Where Brooke (the Wife) walked out of the Doctors office after they told her she wasn’t pregnant(so she thought). She got to her car in tears and looked up to the Lord and said “ I WILL still love you!! I will STILL love you!” A song start to play called "Completely" by Ana Laura.
The last year or so I have truly been at peace of where my life was. After losing the weight I j finally started to feel good about myself again! I still wanted a baby and it was on my mind, but I felt like I grieved for 2 years after I miscarried! Those 2 years were so hard on me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. So this past year I made a choice to just stop worrying about it! And just TRULY leave my hopes and dreams of having a family in God's hands! So I didn’t show a whole lot of emotion about getting pregnant! My husband thought that I didn’t care anymore or even wanted to get pregnant. This was not the case at all. I just felt I had to get to a place in my life where I was ok wherever I was, with or without a baby! I knew it would have made me crazy to stay on that emotional roller coaster. Every time I missed a period my hubby would get happy and make me take a pregnancy test even though I KNEW I wasn’t Prego! And of course I would, dread taking it because I knew it would be negative, and I would hate to tell him that! I knew he would get his hopes up and it would just upset him.
I noticed my emotions of not being able to conceive were changing. I was not only sad for myself but I wasn’t able to give the one man in my life that I love dearly the GREATEST Gift of ALL! I started to talk to my spiritual mom about this. I knew I didn’t want to get back onto that roller coaster ride of emotions! So I knew she would be able to help me! She shared with me that if it came down to where I could not conceive a baby, it wouldn’t make me less of a wife! Or a Women! And she reminded me that I didn’t just get married to have babies! I got married because I LOVED him and wanted to be with him! She also reminded me that Gods plan is so much better then ours! If the doctor tells me I could not conceive or be able to carry to full term that GOD has the final say, not the doctors.
I got the courage to tell my hubby what the doctor said and it was a bitter sweet conversation! He was upset and sad! But then also we both agreed that by seeing a specialist I would be able to truly find out what is going on with me!! I told him the process we will have to go through! We would have to go to a class in Sacramento for a couple of hours where they would go over ALL the procedures they want me to go through and even the tests they will do on him! Then after those are done we will be able to sit down with the specialist and they will then go over all the results and determine what the next step should be for us!
During this time the Lord reminded me of a song and a scene from the movie “Facing the Giants” Where Brooke (the Wife) walked out of the Doctors office after they told her she wasn’t pregnant(so she thought). She got to her car in tears and looked up to the Lord and said “ I WILL still love you!! I will STILL love you!” A song start to play called "Completely" by Ana Laura.
The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do, in all that I say
Right here in this moment
The power of prayer
Is in the humble cry
The power of change
Is in giving my life
And laying down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment
Take my heart, take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all that is within lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone, completely
This journey of life, is a search for truth
This journey of faith, is following you
Every step of the way, through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do, in all that I say
Right here in this moment
The power of prayer
Is in the humble cry
The power of change
Is in giving my life
And laying down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment
Take my heart, take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all that is within lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone, completely
This journey of life, is a search for truth
This journey of faith, is following you
Every step of the way, through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment
I am yours and yours alone, completely
I am Standing on that Song! And I WILL STILL love the Lord No matter the out come of these tests! I know that he is there with me every step of the way! And I am His Completely! Through all the joy and even ALL the pain!
Amen Angela. Just listen to what he is telling you and to where he is guiding you. I know your longing after a loss but a child doesn't have to share your blood to share your heart and to be your child. Have faith God knows your future and he has his hand on both of you.
ReplyDeleteI love what your spiritual mom said... it's true!!
ReplyDeleteangie gotta tell you that this is awesome and you keep up the good work, im excited for you to work with our girls team wooooo whooooooo!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAngie, keep believing in the Lord. He will guide you in the right direction. love you and keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteYour awesome Ang thanks for sharing I think your courage is awesome and you know GOD has great plans for you!! hang in there girl
ReplyDeletelove erika
Chica, thanks for your vulnerability and sharing. Love you both.
ReplyDeletetom stephens
In our thoughts & prayers... you have an AMAZING God.
ReplyDeleteI know you have a kinship with someone close to you who is going through the same thing. I pray you will be able to share with one another and encourage each other along the way.
ReplyDeleteKeep on writng. You are doing a great job.
Angie, I love reading your blogs. You not only relate to women who are going through the same thing but women who have struggles(that's all of us). Keep them coming because I love to read them:):):)
ReplyDeleteThank u Guys for the Sweet Comments!!! They mean a lot!!!
ReplyDeleteI understand the need to have your "own" child.
ReplyDeleteWhat you need to know, is adopting can give you that same feeling. My girl is SOOO mine. you child becomes part of the two of you by how you bring them up. So many people say "you 2 are so alike" She is not "blood" related at all, yet I have a picture of her when little staring off at a lake, very similar to one that was taken of me. She has taken on mannerisms of both of us and her brother too, who was 14 when she came into our lives. Never discount what holding, caring, getting up in the middle of the does to connect and bond to a child.