"My Special Gift!"

My Special Gift!!

Christmas is FAST approaching! Every year since I miscarried, I have dreamed of finding out I am pregnant a few days before Christmas so I can put together a sweet gift for my husband or family letting them know I am carrying this precious little baby! Well this year again I don’t have that to share~

This year I have been pondering on is that dreaded question “What would you like for Christmas”? And honestly I have everything I need!! A GREAT husband, Family and Special Friends and blessed with a Special Spiritual mom. Of course there is that one special gift we would LOVE to have. I just keep telling myself that God is holding on to that special gift for an extra special day!

A couple of weeks ago I got through my first week of clomid fertility meds and it went good! I also had ovulation testing to se if they worked. Well days went by with an empty circle. I was getting very frustrated! Ever since I miscarried I hated taking pregnancy tests because I dreaded getting that negative sign (which happened A LOT) so as the days went by with a negative result, my disappointment was increasing. It was he last day for my ovulation predictor and I just thought "I am ready to just throw this kit out my window because it isn’t even WORKING!" But of course I don’t and I wait patiently (NOT) for my results and as I go to check the results I already told myself that it was going to be an empty circle so I don’t get upset or surprised! As I check it I had to double look and I screamed FINIALLLLLLY it worked! Better late then never I guess, rite!!! I got my Smiley face!

Now is that FUN waiting game of seeing if now I will be able to either start my period naturally or get that LOVELY positive pregnancy blood test. I know my emotions during the holidays are so up and down BUT there is one thing I have ALWAYS been able to count on. God's plans are so much better than our own! He knows what is best for my family and me. Even though I have this dream of when and how I would love to share with my family and friends of our special news, I would rather it be His plan. (I tend to mess things up on my own, anyway!) With a God I can always count on, I know His timing is perfect for everything! And he knows when that perfect day will be and how it will be! Like I said before I truly believe God is saving our special gift for an extra special day! And whenever that day will be I know it will be just as perfect or even BETTER then I have ever dreamed of!

I Pray that This Christmas ALL of u will Hold dear your Family and Friends!!! And remember 2 things its not what you get it, it is who you are with!! And we are to rejoice because we are celebrating a VERY Special Birthday!!! Remember Jesus is the TRUE reason for the season!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-6 (Contemporary English Version)

Everything Has Its Time

 ¹Everything on earth    has its own time
   and its own season.
    ²There is a time
   for birth and death,
   planting and reaping,
    ³for killing and healing,
   destroying and building,
    ⁴for crying and laughing,
   weeping and dancing,
    ⁵for throwing stones
   and gathering stones,
   embracing and parting.
    ⁶There is a time
   for finding and losing,
   keeping and giving,

"Trying to believe!"

November 5th was the big day for my husband and I to find out our results from our testing with the Specialist! The week leading up to it was such a crazy week of emotions! A few times I felt so overwhelmed about the outcome!! I knew that there was a possibility that we would hear the words we didn't want to hear. Perhaps there was no hope and we would never have our baby. So my human flesh side was coming out with fear and thinking God what Kind of faith do I walk in that office with?? The Faith that everything is going to be great and just Claim it? Or walk in there and try not to expect anything because at least I won’t be leaving with a broken heart. A broken heart is what I feared the most.

One night that week I wrote my spiritual mom and shared with her my feeling and asked her to pray for me. She wrote back and told me to take a “Deep Breath and Give it to God” Sometimes when we get caught up in the emotions of it all, we just need someone to say "HEY...remember who you serve. Step back for a moment, breathe, and GIVE IT TO GOD!" Its not easy to do but boy did I need to breathe! And I know my God could give me the everlasting Breath that I needed at the moment.

Appointment day came and man I can't tell you how nervous I was! I knew they had one more treatment to do and then we would get the results of everything. My Hubby and I were very anxious! We just kept saying that bible verse “Philippians 4:6 (New American Standard Bible) Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God”. Got all the results and they said everything looks good internal, blood tests came back good, Daniels tests came back good too! So the only thing they believe is my problem is ovulation, not ovulating naturally.

You are most likely thinking “That’s GREAT news!” And it was because it could have been so much worse. But my first reaction was “wow good news, but man I am back to where I was in the beginning of this journey” Back on the Meds, and the percentage they are telling me with girls that have PCOS of being able to conceive and carry full term is less then 50%. So hearing all that just scared me and I felt myself going back to that emotional state of mind, here we go again! I had so many people texting me and trying to see what happened at the doctors and I ignored it because I didn’t feel ready to talk to anyone about it. I still was trying to figure out how I was feeling. I finally started to text people back and let them know, and I got some great feed back from some great friends! They were just reminding of what kind of God we serve! And what he has told me in the past! I ended up talking to my spiritual mom for a bit and she just kept telling me I was going to be ok and that God is Bigger and he has a plan! When I got off the phone I just sat there and cried out to God with tears rolling down my cheeks saying “God I TRUST you I do, but this Journey hurts so bad! I don’t know how much more I can take, I need you now more then ever” When I was able to get that out I felt an overwhelming peace come over me! And I heard him whisper to me “that he hears my cry and he is standing in the midst of our journey”
I know God has a plan for me and Daniel!! And going through this is NOT easy and it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. When you are going through something like this your emotions are so up and down! I can’t imagine going through everything that I am without God's peace and knowing and learning Who I TRULY am in Christ! With my faith I can lean on that! Because I know God does have a plan for me. But without him I would feel so lost and sad, and maybe even worthless. A lot of people believe you grow up get married and have babies! And if you don’t have babies they begin to ask, all the "whys" and whens" which is the HARDEST thing to answer. I am blessed to have a God that Loves me for ME and have friends and family that can help carry me when I feel like I can’t walk through this storm anymore.
I believe when you are faced with challenges such as mine we do have that choice to stand on the faith that God knows what is best for Us! There are days where you can't see past the hurt you feel at that moment. Like when you find out that some of your closest friends are pregnant. It takes your breath away for a bit. But then I stop myself and say “wait a minute I am not them I am Angie! And God has a special plan just for me! It is ok!” Because I am TRULY a Child of the King! And I was made in His Perfect Imagine and he has a Perfect Plan for my life and my family!

At twenty years of age i'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though i can`t always see

`cause i got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own i'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders i can see
I'm free to be me

When i was just a girl i thought i had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and i'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes i would doubt

`cause i got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own i'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders i can see
I'm free to be me

Sometimes i believe that i can do anything
Yet other times i think i've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That i've got all you seek
And it`s easy to believe
Even though

`cause i got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own i'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders i can see
I'm free to be me